Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize