Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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