Im at strip club and am horny
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
