fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
