He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
