i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
