Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
