If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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