she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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