I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
