my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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