fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize