I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
