he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
