Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
