The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
