im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
