Jerry, you need to find god
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
