The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
