The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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