but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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