I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
