I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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