It was confusing and full of hummus
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
