End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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