an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
