wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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