just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
