there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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