FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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