Dude my mom stole all your condoms
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm too high and old for this...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
