she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
