he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
