don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
