I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
