I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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