I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
