Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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