The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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