well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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