btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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