sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
