THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
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