Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
