Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
