Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Randomize