My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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