I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
