your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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