I just saw a hot homeless man
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize