he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
