is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
