Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just invented taco cereal.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
