i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
