I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
