Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
