When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So. Much. Porn.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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