dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
