new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
