Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
