i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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